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We've mentioned the episodes, we've subtly enticed you to buy Hellanory: The Scripts - Season One, we've mentioned the Ralphs, we've even mentioned the trailers for crying out loud. But no Hellanory-dedicated website would be or should be complete without mentioning the masterful rhymes that begin each episode.

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Yes, that's right. They are, of course, the work of our very own Alabaster Lumpfish. Sitting in her padded, leather armchair - the one with the restraints built into the arms and legs, just in case she gets a bit carried away - the Lumpfish, when she is required to do so, summons forth demonic rhymes as if at will.

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So come with us into The Dungeon of Rhymes. Don't be scared - Alabaster Lumpfish doesn't bite. Well, hardly ever. Douse yourselves fully in her masterful rhymes of doom, albeit in written form. Maybe even learn them off by heart and impress your friends as you recite them again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

 

And again.  

THE DUNGEON OF RHYMES

EPISODE ONE

Come in out of the wind and cold and sit down here, if I make so bold. In the fire, all warm and toasty, your shattered ribs and limbs all roasty. In a chair, tied nice and tight, you can't escape, try as you might. So heat the poker and pass me my pins. Are you sitting uncomfortably? Then we'll begin. 

HELLANORY The Peculiar Case Of Nathaniel

EPISODE TWO

Come in, young stripling, don't you wail. I bring you hither to hear a tale. Although you wriggle, writhe and moan there'll be no help – you're quite alone. So fidget not and feign to squirm, the straps that hold you are quite firm. So cease your struggles and stop that din. Are you sitting uncomfortably? Then we'll begin.

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EPISODE THREE

Run a bath and take a dip. My metal claws will start to rip. The sounds of frantic, desperate groaning punctuate your feeble moaning. Your intestines spill from deep within. Are you sitting uncomfortably? Then we'll begin. 

HELLANORY Surplus Baggage.jpg

EPISODE FOUR

Come in, my childer, settle down - don't cry or bleat or sob or frown. A tale I have, which may be soothing, and iron clasps to stop you moving. Your ears are open, this I know - I pinned them back an hour ago. Your eyes are safely in this tin, so if you're sitting uncomfortably then we'll begin.

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EPISODE FIVE

Run and hide you won't get far - you're on foot, I'm in a car. Lungs a-gasping as you feel my Renault ready for the kill. The bumper snaps your brittle shins. Are you sitting uncomfortably? Then we'll begin.

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EPISODE SIX

Come in, child, into my web of fear. No shining knights will save you here. Within my pantry, warm and cosy, I keep things to reward the nosey. My knives and scalpels, sharp and shiny, and my Fabreze, which smells all piney. So bare your underparts, lift up your chin. Are you sitting uncomfortably? Then we'll begin.

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THE HALLOWE'EN SPECIAL

Come in, young 'uns, gather round. I'll make sure you're tightly bound. More evil nights I've never seen than this accursed Hallowe'en. Tonight the dead shall walk abroad and roam the land in evil hordes. So close the door on wind and hail and sit ye down to hear my tale. For you my chicks shall have a story. It's time for Hallowe'en Hellanory. 

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THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

'T'is the night before Christmas so let's take a look in this dusty, ancient, leather-bound book. Its festive tales of weirdness and gloom will keep you entralled as you meet your doom. So come in, my dear, and hang up your coat, then I'll pour acid right down your throat. As you gasp and gurgle, I'll choose a story. Have a very Merry Christmas from Hellanory.  

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